Remember friend, our goal for Stress Tension: How to Have the Most Stressful Holiday Imaginable! Part 1
and Part 2
is for you to have the worst holiday ever! Stop trying to make everything look like a Currier & Ives print and instead let holiday stress
tension be the spice of your life this holiday season!
So, how do you destroy the holidays in record time, hon?
You should have started with Halloween. Instead of just a simple jack-o-lantern, I trust that you decorated your entire yard, littering it with fiberglass cobwebs, lighted witches, little ghosts hanging in the trees, and bloodied hands that jumped when their motion detectors were triggered. I also trust you had the Halloween candy ready. Gobs of it. And it should have been pricey Godiva, not the “milk chocolate food” at the Dollar Store. The little buggers deserved a treat after all, even if it broke your bank account. Financial stress is good for you, you know.
And now, how do you experience the most holiday stress possible while destroying the spirit of Christmas and Hanukkah? Back to the final four tips in our Horrible Holiday How-To, guaranteed to extinguish any holiday cheer you might muster:
5. Whatever you do this holiday season, don’t give anything to charity. Don’t cook at the soup kitchen, don’t create an angel tree for donations of gifts for needy children. Don’t put a nickel–or even a penny–in the Salvation Army’s bucket. Don’t do anything but contemplate the bump on the end of your nose.
6. Get really, really worried about that bump. It seems to have changed shape. What if it’s cancerous?! Read about skin cancer for hours and bemoan your fate. Be sure to complain about it to your friends, if you have any left. (Be a true friend and stress them out about it too!)
7. Oh, and about your friends….Forget about your old, dear friends. They’re from the past and the past is past. Live in the present. Don’t get nostalgic, and for goodness sakes, don’t even think about those who have died. Life is for the living. Forget about everyone else this holiday.
8. Finally, refuse to believe in reindeer, Santa Claus, Jack Frost, the Grinch, and any of the other magical holiday stuff. Be sure to tell everyone that those are just “cultural icons.” And whatever you do, don’t think about what the holidays meant for you when you were a child. Bah, humbug!
On the contrary, if you really want to be radical, you could unplug the TV, turn off the computer, and bury your cell phone in the back yard. And if you want to be downright revolutionary, you could stop the gift-giving frenzy and give the gift of love, heartfelt listening, beautiful caroling, and funny family stories to those you care about–including yourself–this holiday season.
Holiday stress or a soulful holiday. It’s your choice, isn’t it?